Utilization Of Time

I recently received an email from a woman who complained that she and her husband could only practice the lifestyle (Female Led Relationship) late at night and before the sun comes up. It dawned on me that there must be others out there who share her dilemma. They think they don't really have enough time to enjoy the lifestyle the way they would like. Well, to that I say, “Utilize what time you have!”

If you have children at home, or one (or both) of you work outside the home, it might seem that you just don't have enough time to share the little things that make an FLR truly enjoyable. Then you are not utilizing your time properly. Especially if you engage in a little tease and denial or even chastity.

I have written several posts that touch on the subject in one way or another, so to many of you, this might seem like a rehash of old ideas, but I say, if it works, who cares how old the idea is? Anyway, here are a few suggestions to help you get started down the road to more fully enjoying each other using what time you have. Beyond the obvious weekend getaways, there are plenty of things you can do to spice things up using little moments here and there.

Take a few minutes to sit down and create a plan. Let's assume (just for argument sake) that your husband works, your kids go to school, and you stay home taking care the house (doing those things you don't trust your hubby to do) or shopping, or whatever you normally do with your day. The first thing you need to do is make a schedule of your families typical day. List (in chronological order) all the normal events that take place. For example, when do you get up? When does your husband rise? What about the kids? When do the kids leave for school, and what time does your hubby leave for work? Include things like what time your husband has available at work (breaks, lunch, etc.) when you could contact him with little or no interruption of his work.

Once you have everything listed in order, you are ready to make your plan. If your husband's breaks are at irregular times, he could simply call you (or perhaps text you) so that you can give him instructions. There may be other things you can use as well. Does he take a lunch box or briefcase to work? Something where you could leave a little note for him to find?

There will be things that don't run on a regular schedule, such as when the kids go out to play, or do their homework. Maybe hubby doesn't always get home at the same time. Your plan will have to take these things into account.

Okay, so what goes into this little plan of yours? Well, much of it will not actually be a part of the plan, but rather a list of things that you can do if and when the opportunity presents itself. Your plan should include things like short teases you can do before he goes to work, during his breaks, during lunch, or any time he might have free to perform little tasks for you. So you need a list of tasks that you might want him to perform when you get the chance.

Include anything you can do (in the way of teasing him) when you get five or ten minutes alone. It could just be a “bathroom break” when the two f you can sneak off to the bedroom (or bathroom) while the kids are busy watching television. You should have several little teases that you can do with your hubby that will only take a few minutes. Such as, pull his pants down, get him hard by telling him a fantasy, or simply fondling him. You can even use these little “tease times” to punish or admonish him for some indiscretion or displeasure he has caused you. Maybe he didn't do the dishes properly, or he forgot to call you before he left the office. It really doesn't matter what he did, this is a chance to remind him just who is in charge.

By-the-way, don't EVER feel guilty about taking charge or even punishing him. If he enjoys being subservient to you, he will love you all the more for enforcing your rules.

Finally, you should include longer tease and denial sessions as often as you can. These may have to wait until the kids are asleep or something, but you should plan to spend at least twenty or thirty minutes (or more) at bedtime teasing him or allowing him to pleasure you. Even if he complains that he is too tired, don't let that stop you. If you do it right, he will get hard and he won't care how tired he is at that point. Friday and Saturday nights are great for long tease and denial sessions. Especially if you can both sleep in in the morning.

Anyway, I hope you get the picture from all this. If you both want to feel that you are living the lifestyle more, be creative, use the time you have to tease him more and he will become much more the husband you have always wanted. Don't forget to push his limits a little while you are at it. He will thank you for it and you will have even more fun.

Mistress Ivey

What's in a Name?

I realize that my blog is called “Becoming A Mistress,” but what if you don't want to be a “Mistress” per-say? That is, you want total control, but you detest the image that comes to mind when the word is used. I must agree, the image most often called to mind (thanks to the Internet), is one of a woman wearing very high heels, dressed in skin-tight leather, and carrying some kind of whip or riding crop. If this is not you, what are you? What do you call yourself? What does your husband (boy friend, submissive, spouse, or significant other) call you?

I have heard things like, Goddess, Queen, and even “She who must be obeyed.” But even these seem like too much. I chose Mistress because, in my opinion, it is the least self-centered of the names I have heard. However, I also heard names such as, Sweetheart, Sweetie, lover, and just plain wife, used as well. Of course none of these describe the relationship, much less the position of the woman in that relationship.

In one my of books I make a comparison between a Queen and her Knight in shining armor with that of a Mistress and her slave. However, I make no recommendation as to what your husband (or whatever he is) should call you. Nor do I make a recommendation as to what you might want to call him.

Personally, I feel it makes no difference what you call each other, as long as the relationship works and your roles within that relationship are clearly understood. Having said that, I call myself “Mistress” and so does my husband, nemo. However, we only use those terms when we are alone and in “play” mode. Yes, real life requires us to change from “happy couple” to “Mistress and slave” when we want to play. The rest of the time, though I am always in charge, we appear “normal.”

I never wear a leather teddy. I don't like high heels, but I do have a pair of black boots with 3-inch heels that I bought at PayLess, but I rarely wear them while we are “playing.” And I have an assortment of whips, floggers, crops and paddles that I do often use (but that's just me). Though we both enjoy the many images of Mistress' on the web, I just can't see me wearing those types of outfits.

My point here is that it doesn't matter how you dress, or by what names you use when you are playing. Just be yourself. You can be in control without having to be called “Mistress.” It's not what you call yourself that makes you the one in charge. It's the attitude with which you approach your relationship.

I have been writing this blog for over four years and the one thing I always wanted to make clear is that you should have fun. Your sex life should not be something that you do every now and then. It should be something you look forward to, something that is fun for the both of you! So don't let a name deter you from enjoying the control you can wield, and fun you can have. Life is, after all, something to be enjoyed. So is marriage. So enjoy yours to the fullest! You will thank yourself for it.

Mistress Ivey

Anything???

“As long as I keep you from having an orgasm, you'll agree to do anything I want?” The answer to that question when asked of a man on the edge of orgasm is invariably, “Yes.”

Don't believe me? Try it sometime! Of course, once he has had an orgasm his entire attitude will, most likely, change. That is, unless it is something he doesn't mind doing in the first place. For example, many men are willing to drink their own cum, so asking him to do that might not change with an orgasm. But what about sucking another man's cock? Not many will do that without the proper incentive. In fact, I have found that most women who actually want their partner (slave, subbie, boy toy, or what have you) to do something often ask this question in the wrong way or at the wrong time.

What do I mean by that? Here's an example of asking the wrong question (or asking in the wrong way); “Will you suck another man's cock if I let you cum?” Do you see how that puts his reward before he has completed his part of the bargain? Instead, try putting the question to him as a statement this way; “I will let you cum if you first suck another man's cock.” Or, “You can have an orgasm as soon as you have sucked another man's cock.” See the difference? If you really want your victim to perform something he would not ordinarily do (perhaps something humiliating) promise him a reward only after he has completed the task, not before.

I know that many woman have difficulty learning to talk erotically to their partners during sex. Because of this, they tend to be timid when it comes to psychological torment. You may never want your partner to suck another man's cock (just for example) but making him think that you will can be very sexually arousing to him. Obviously, if you are only attacking his psyche with your play, you would want to ask the question differently. Instead of making him perform the task before his reward, you simply want him to agree to complete that task. That is, you want him to say that he will suck another man's cock (or drink his own cum, or dress like a woman, or whatever the task is) before receiving his reward, especially if you don't plan on making him actually follow through.

Ladies, please understand the difference. Every man who enjoys being sexually teased (and they all do) has fantasies of things he would love to be “forced” to do. He also has a list of things that he likes to fantasize about being forced to do but would never really do under any circumstances. Your job, as his tormentor, is to learn what these things are and which are which. Then, and only then, can you really keep your partner on his toes and torment his mind, as well as his body, properly.

In answer to all the questions I've received on the subject... Yes you can make your guy agree to just about anything as long as you keep him from having that orgasm.

Mistress Ivey

For Him or For You?

I get a large number of women telling me that they worry that they are not doing enough, or the right things, to keep their partner satisfied. First of all, and I have said this until I am blue in the face... It is NOT about his pleasure, it is about yours!

Many women fear that they are not doing enough, or that he will get bored with the things they are doing. I can understand these feelings. I have been there myself. However, I came to the realization that I was creating my own fear. I had a fear of failure, of not doing it right, or not doing enough to keep him happy. It is not about him!

To put it simply, you should not be doing things FOR him, but TO him. You should be doing things FOR YOU! Don't think in terms of whether or not you are pleasing him, but rather, is he pleasing you? You are (or should be) the focus of all he does. It is your job to make him focus on those things. If he is not happy doing that, then he may not be cut out to be a submissive.

If that is the case, it is up to you to mold him into the man you want him to be. If he is bored, shame on you. You are not giving him enough to do to keep him aroused. You are, probably, not using his fantasies to your advantage. You should learn to do that. If you are doing it, then do it more often. You can always have him do a webtease. It not only keeps him busy but, usually, allows him an orgasm. Maybe you should make up (or modify) your own webtease that does NOT end with his satisfaction, but rather your satisfaction.

Your partner should be coming to you and asking what he can do for you. If he isn't, then he is not aroused enough. If he complains about not getting enough (sexually) then find more ways to arouse him without having to satisfy him.

Nine times out of ten, if things are not going right, it is because you are creating your own problem. If you keep in mind that it is not what you do for him, but rather what you do to him for yourself, you will get along much better.

Mistress Ivey

Handling "Preemies"

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Over the past two years I have received many complements and complaints from my readers. Thankfully, the complaints have been few and mainly centered around one issue, premature ejaculation during teasing. The question everyone seems to have is, “how can you tease a guy when he shoots his load at the slightest touch?”

To me, the simplest answer is, use a lighter touch. That is, if your fingers seem to set him off too easily, try angora, a soft brush, or even silk panties. Try anything that will reduce the amount of actual stimulation (i.e. friction) and increase the amount of mental stimulation. That is, tease his mind more than his penis.

I know there are men out there who can actually achieve an orgasm without even being touched, but they are few and far between. So unless your partner is one of these, I suggest that you tease him by touching his penis less. Instead, try touching his nipples, his balls, even his bottom or his anus. There are guys who will get extremely excited when you touch their feet. Experiment. Find out what works and what doesn't work with your guy. It's FUN!

Now, it's not all up to you. If your guy is one of those who shoots off too fast, he needs to work on the problem from his perspective as well. He needs to figure out how to hold back, if even just a little. Once he finds a method that will help him hold back a little, he should concentrate on maximizing his abilities in that area. For example, it may be that if he can learn to keep his cock expanded, that is, at its most erect. He may be able to hold off for a few seconds to a minute or more once he has practiced it for awhile.

To understand what I mean, have him try to make his cock as hard as he can. There are certain muscles he needs to utilize to do this. Once he figures out which muscles control it, he can practice exercising those muscles until he can continuously squeeze them for an extended period of time. At least long enough to tell you that you need to back off for a minute so that he can relax.

Some men have told me that if they can manage to keep certain muscles from clinching (tightening) they can hold off an orgasm for quite awhile. However, it is difficult learning which muscles those are and keeping them relaxed during a tease session is something that will take lots of practice.

There is one other way to extend a tease session for a quick-shooter. Allow the first orgasm to happen. Of course, it should be ruined whenever possible, but allowing it to happen will simply get it out of the way and the teasing can then continue. If the orgasm happens to be a full orgasm, then I find you have no other recourse than to engage in a some post orgasmic torment. Grab that cock with one hand and rub the head with the palm of the other for as long as you can. I say as long as you can simply because if your guy is not bound he will stop you. But at this point, that's all you can do. Treat it like a punishment for not warning you in time for you to ruin the orgasm, or prevent it altogether.

The final method I have to offer to those of you with preemies (premature ejaculators), is don't touch his cock until (and if) you intend for him to cum. That is, simply tease his mind. Tell him fantasies, make him watch videos of other women teasing their men, or anything else you can do without actually touching his cock. Don't allow him to touch it either. After all, your goal in teasing him is to keep him hard for as long as you can (or want to) without allowing him any kind of release.

So, in summation, there are ways of handling this problem (or even working around it) in order to accomplish your goal. Stick to it, be inventive, and you will find a way. Please write me and let know what you do to handle your preemie. I could use a few more ideas myself.

Mistress Ivey

P.O.T. for FUN!

I have written about Post Orgasm Torture (POT) before, but it never hurts (me anyway) to explain it and its uses again. First of all, POT is not as bad as it sounds. You can always substitute the word “Torment” for the word “Torture” in the name. It really makes no difference. It's just semantics.

What is POT? I have heard many different explanations ranging from severe CBT (Cock and Ball Torture) to continued stroking after ejaculation. The truth is, POT is the torment created when you rub the head of a man's cock immediately after ejaculation. It will last from a few seconds to a few minutes, depending on two main factors: 1) How sensitive his cock is. And 2) How long you can do it without a break.

Let me explain. If you begin to rub the head (glans) of a man's cock the instant he begins to ejaculate (when it is the most sensitive) it will drive him mad! He will do anything within his power to stop you, even though he might enjoy it (to some extent). It's like being held down and tickled until you can't take it any more... Only worse! If you stop rubbing, for more than a few seconds, you will have lost your opportunity in most cases. There are men who will remain extremely sensitive for several minutes, but most will lose that sensitivity within a few seconds, if you stop rubbing. The key to successfully torturing his cock is not to stop rubbing. It will be difficult because of all the squirming, wriggling and perhaps, screaming your guy will do.

POT makes an excellent punishment if you intended to tease and deny your guy and he accidentally ejaculates in spite of your best efforts to prevent it. But no matter what your reason for doing it, you are bound to enjoy the feeling the power it gives you. Yes, it can really be a boost to your own ego. It is a feeling like no other I have ever felt. I have personally never felt as powerful as I do when I am tormenting a man who has just ejaculated without permission.

It's a simple thing to do. The hard part is holding on through all his attempts to escape your insistent attempt to torment him. The best method I have found is to hold the shaft with one hand and rub the tip with the palm of the other. I highly recommend that he be securely fastened in place as he will do everything in his power to escape.

Mistress Ivey

What's in a Name?

Do you call yourself a Key Holder, a Mistress, a Femdom, a Dominant, a woman in charge, or something else? If you have a partner, significant other, man, guy, boyfriend, husband, or whatever, in chastity, does it make a difference to you what you call yourself? Does it matter what others call you? What is the difference between all these things, and does it matter? What do you call your partner? Do you call him sub, subbie, sub-boy, boy-toy, submissive, slave, or sweetheart? Again, does it really matter?

Isn't what really matters, the fact that your relationship works? Uh, it does work, doesn't it? Are you sure? Have you stepped out of your roles in order to have a frank (or George) talk about how satisfied you both are? Have you talked about doing more? Or even less? Have you discussed your teasing? Are you really doing enough, the way he really likes it? Or does none of that matter to you?

It may not really matter what you call yourself, or him, for that matter. But if you truly want your relationship to be successful, you must talk about it, especially if you are (or he is) new to it. Are you really doing enough to keep him happy, interested, and horny? Are you teasing him enough, the right way, or is he always wanting more? Are you getting enough of what you want? Are you, possibly, neglecting him because you don't have the libido he has, or because it doesn't matter to you?

I fully understand the dynamics of a Female Led Relationship, but it doesn't help if I am not doing it right. That is, if my partner is not happy for one reason or another, I am not doing something right. I have to swallow my pride (as a Mistress) and sit down to a serious, open discussion of what he likes and dislikes about the way I do things. Then I have to be able to take his criticism without getting angry, or feeling I have failed in some way.

Understanding your partner and his needs, is not always easy. The best way to do it is through open discussions. He must understand that whatever he tells you, you will not be hurt or upset or angry. You should have one of these conversations every few months (3-6?) just to make sure things have not changed.

And speaking of changes, people, and their desires can change as often you change your underwear. What seems good in fantasy, may not be so good in reality. But one thing remains constant in any male chastity relationship... Teasing. Whether you tease him daily, weekly, or once a month, you must use both physical AND psychological (mental) teasing. That is, you can fondle his cock all day and never get him hard if you are talking about the weather, the economy, your bills, or his mother. Let's face it, you need to tend to his mental needs as well as his physical needs.

So... What's in a name? No matter what kind of relationship you have, no matter what you call each other, or yourself, one thing remains constant... You MUST communicate if you want to be successful. That is, if you want to be happy as a couple.

Mistress Ivey

Judging by the email I receive on a regular basis, I assume that most of my readers are male. Just to be sure, I am asking you (whoever you are) to Please leave a comment concerning the variety in your sex life. Is it enough? Do you need more? Your participation is much appreciated.

My point is, I feel like I am preaching to the choir. However, this applies equally to both men and women even if they are not in a Female Led relationship (FLR). My subject for today is, Variety! After all, variety is the spice of life...

Let's assume that you can choose anything you like for dinner, but whatever you choose will be what you get everyday for the rest of your life. Just how long do you think it would take for you to get tired of eating the same old thing day after day? If you are like most people, it wouldn't take very long.

So why do you think your guy (husband, subbie, chastity boy, or whatever you call him) wants the same old thing sexually everyday? No matter what you are doing to tease him, no matter how much you make him please you, if you are not varying it often, then you are risking him getting bored with it (yourself included).

It doesn't matter what we are talking about, the fantasies you tell him, the sexual activity you make him preform for (or on) you, how you tease him, what you feed him, or even the praise you give him, if you are not including variety in all you do, then you are risking everything you have worked for going right down the drain.

By now, you have learned that the care and feeding of your partner is a great deal of work. I am the first to admit that it can be difficult. But you must include as much variety as you can in your daily routines. But if your marriage has improved since you started tease and denial with your partner, you don't want to lose what you have gained.

I could write list upon list of ways to vary your everyday activities, but I am going to leave it up to you to do the research. After all, who knows your partner better than you do? So here's what you need to do...

Take the time to research your partner's fantasies. Search the web for stories that he (or you) will like. Think about how you can change up those daily teases and even come up with new ways of denying his orgasm. Practice a little variety in those little teases you do several times a day to keep him interested, aroused, and thinking of you.

Make a list of everything you can remember doing. Make separate lists for daily teasing, fantasies, your own pleasure, and those special events you have done. Then try to add a few new things to each list. Now keep those lists handy and refer to them often. Don't repeat any one thing too often. Add to those lists any time you think of something new to try.

If you mix everything up enough, you may be surprised at the over all results. All this may very well renew your own pleasure and desire to engage in sexual activity and the fun you have teasing his cock. Variety truly is the spice of life, especially when it comes to your sex life!

Mistress Ivey

What About Your Fantasies?

I have written more about men's fantasies than I would care to read in one sitting, but I haven't written one thing about women's fantasies. And I don't care what you say, you know you have them.

As important as it is to know and understand your partner's fantasies, it's equally as important to have some of your own. If you enjoy chastity, tease and denial, or even CBT, you must have had at least one fantasy involving one or more of these things. Wouldn't it be great to try it out? Well, that depends on what it is. I mean, are you really going to march your subbie down Main Street wearing nothing but a collar, leash and a chastity device?

So, obviously you have to use a little common sense in determining what you can and can't do. Let's say you have selected a nice little dream about whipping your boy in a semi-public place... Say, a play party. I know, you don't attend any play parties. Why not? You should. You could learn a great deal from others who have been at it longer, or who's imaginations have been running wild for the last year or so.

Okay, back on subject. So how do you use this little fantasy of yours? How do you incorporate it into your “normal” playtime? The same way you would incorporate his fantasies. Start out by placing a blindfold over his eyes (it helps him visualize). Now, as you play with him (any way you like), talk about your fantasy. Tell him how you would really love to do it with (to?) him.

Vocalizing your fantasy should be enough to turn you on as much as it will him. Then, of course, you can have him pleasure you! The point is not to verbalize the fantasy completely. I mean, that can be a little intimidating. But, while he is tending to you, have him verbalize your fantasy for you. After all, didn't you just tell him what it was all about? Let him make up the details for you. That way, you can just relax and listen while he does whatever it is you want him to.

Once he knows a few of your fantasies, you can have him make up stories about them whenever you're in the mood. Why not use him for more than doing the chores?

Mistress Ivey