Thursday, December 18, 2014

For Him or For You?

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I get a large number of women telling me that they worry that they are not doing enough, or the right things, to keep their partner satisfied. First of all, and I have said this until I am blue in the face... It is NOT about his pleasure, it is about yours!
Many women fear that they are not doing enough, or that he will get bored with the things they are doing. I can understand these feelings. I have been there myself. However, I came to the realization that I was creating my own fear. I had a fear of failure, of not doing it right, or not doing enough to keep him happy. It is not about him!
To put it simply, you should not be doing things FOR him, but TO him. You should be doing things FOR YOU! Don't think in terms of whether or not you are pleasing him, but rather, is he pleasing you? You are (or should be) the focus of all he does. It is your job to make him focus on those things. If he is not happy doing that, then he may not be cut out to be a submissive.
If that is the case, it is up to you to mold him into the man you want him to be. If he is bored, shame on you. You are not giving him enough to do to keep him aroused. You are, probably, not using his fantasies to your advantage. You should learn to do that. If you are doing it, then do it more often. You can always have him do a webtease. It not only keeps him busy but, usually, allows him an orgasm. Maybe you should make up (or modify) your own webtease that does NOT end with his satisfaction, but rather your satisfaction.
Your partner should be coming to you and asking what he can do for you. If he isn't, then he is not aroused enough. If he complains about not getting enough (sexually) then find more ways to arouse him without having to satisfy him.
Nine times out of ten, if things are not going right, it is because you are creating your own problem. If you keep in mind that it is not what you do for him, but rather what you do to him for yourself, you will get along much better.

Mistress Ivey

Monday, December 15, 2014

Handling "Preemies"

Over the past two years I have received many complements and complaints from my readers. Thankfully, the complaints have been few and mainly centered around one issue, premature ejaculation during teasing. The question everyone seems to have is, “how can you tease a guy when he shoots his load at the slightest touch?”

To me, the simplest answer is, use a lighter touch. That is, if your fingers seem to set him off too easily, try angora, a soft brush, or even silk panties. Try anything that will reduce the amount of actual stimulation (i.e. friction) and increase the amount of mental stimulation. That is, tease his mind more than his penis.

I know there are men out there who can actually achieve an orgasm without even being touched, but they are few and far between. So unless your partner is one of these, I suggest that you tease him by touching his penis less. Instead, try touching his nipples, his balls, even his bottom or his anus. There are guys who will get extremely excited when you touch their feet. Experiment. Find out what works and what doesn't work with your guy. It's FUN!

Now, it's not all up to you. If your guy is one of those who shoots off too fast, he needs to work on the problem from his perspective as well. He needs to figure out how to hold back, if even just a little. Once he finds a method that will help him hold back a little, he should concentrate on maximizing his abilities in that area. For example, it may be that if he can learn to keep his cock expanded, that is, at its most erect. He may be able to hold off for a few seconds to a minute or more once he has practiced it for awhile.

To understand what I mean, have him try to make his cock as hard as he can. There are certain muscles he needs to utilize to do this. Once he figures out which muscles control it, he can practice exercising those muscles until he can continuously squeeze them for an extended period of time. At least long enough to tell you that you need to back off for a minute so that he can relax.

Some men have told me that if they can manage to keep certain muscles from clinching (tightening) they can hold off an orgasm for quite awhile. However, it is difficult learning which muscles those are and keeping them relaxed during a tease session is something that will take lots of practice.

There is one other way to extend a tease session for a quick-shooter. Allow the first orgasm to happen. Of course, it should be ruined whenever possible, but allowing it to happen will simply get it out of the way and the teasing can then continue. If the orgasm happens to be a full orgasm, then I find you have no other recourse than to engage in a some post orgasmic torment. Grab that cock with one hand and rub the head with the palm of the other for as long as you can. I say as long as you can simply because if your guy is not bound he will stop you. But at this point, that's all you can do. Treat it like a punishment for not warning you in time for you to ruin the orgasm, or prevent it altogether.

The final method I have to offer to those of you with preemies (premature ejaculators), is don't touch his cock until (and if) you intend for him to cum. That is, simply tease his mind. Tell him fantasies, make him watch videos of other women teasing their men, or anything else you can do without actually touching his cock. Don't allow him to touch it either. After all, your goal in teasing him is to keep him hard for as long as you can (or want to) without allowing him any kind of release.

So, in summation, there are ways of handling this problem (or even working around it) in order to accomplish your goal. Stick to it, be inventive, and you will find a way. Please write me and let know what you do to handle your preemie. I could use a few more ideas myself.

Mistress Ivey

Thursday, December 11, 2014

P.O.T. for FUN!

I have written about Post Orgasm Torture (POT) before, but it never hurts (me anyway) to explain it and its uses again. First of all, POT is not as bad as it sounds. You can always substitute the word “Torment” for the word “Torture” in the name. It really makes no difference. It's just semantics.

What is POT? I have heard many different explanations ranging from severe CBT (Cock and Ball Torture) to continued stroking after ejaculation. The truth is, POT is the torment created when you rub the head of a man's cock immediately after ejaculation. It will last from a few seconds to a few minutes, depending on two main factors: 1) How sensitive his cock is. And 2) How long you can do it without a break.

Let me explain. If you begin to rub the head (glans) of a man's cock the instant he begins to ejaculate (when it is the most sensitive) it will drive him mad! He will do anything within his power to stop you, even though he might enjoy it (to some extent). It's like being held down and tickled until you can't take it any more... Only worse! If you stop rubbing, for more than a few seconds, you will have lost your opportunity in most cases. There are men who will remain extremely sensitive for several minutes, but most will lose that sensitivity within a few seconds, if you stop rubbing. The key to successfully torturing his cock is not to stop rubbing. It will be difficult because of all the squirming, wriggling and perhaps, screaming your guy will do.

POT makes an excellent punishment if you intended to tease and deny your guy and he accidentally ejaculates in spite of your best efforts to prevent it. But no matter what your reason for doing it, you are bound to enjoy the feeling the power it gives you. Yes, it can really be a boost to your own ego. It is a feeling like no other I have ever felt. I have personally never felt as powerful as I do when I am tormenting a man who has just ejaculated without permission.

It's a simple thing to do. The hard part is holding on through all his attempts to escape your insistent attempt to torment him. The best method I have found is to hold the shaft with one hand and rub the tip with the palm of the other. I highly recommend that he be securely fastened in place as he will do everything in his power to escape.

Mistress Ivey

Monday, December 8, 2014

What's in a Name?

Do you call yourself a Key Holder, a Mistress, a Femdom, a Dominant, a woman in charge, or something else? If you have a partner, significant other, man, guy, boyfriend, husband, or whatever, in chastity, does it make a difference to you what you call yourself? Does it matter what others call you? What is the difference between all these things, and does it matter? What do you call your partner? Do you call him sub, subbie, sub-boy, boy-toy, submissive, slave, or sweetheart? Again, does it really matter?

Isn't what really matters, the fact that your relationship works? Uh, it does work, doesn't it? Are you sure? Have you stepped out of your roles in order to have a frank (or George) talk about how satisfied you both are? Have you talked about doing more? Or even less? Have you discussed your teasing? Are you really doing enough, the way he really likes it? Or does none of that matter to you?

It may not really matter what you call yourself, or him, for that matter. But if you truly want your relationship to be successful, you must talk about it, especially if you are (or he is) new to it. Are you really doing enough to keep him happy, interested, and horny? Are you teasing him enough, the right way, or is he always wanting more? Are you getting enough of what you want? Are you, possibly, neglecting him because you don't have the libido he has, or because it doesn't matter to you?

I fully understand the dynamics of a Female Led Relationship, but it doesn't help if I am not doing it right. That is, if my partner is not happy for one reason or another, I am not doing something right. I have to swallow my pride (as a Mistress) and sit down to a serious, open discussion of what he likes and dislikes about the way I do things. Then I have to be able to take his criticism without getting angry, or feeling I have failed in some way.

Understanding your partner and his needs, is not always easy. The best way to do it is through open discussions. He must understand that whatever he tells you, you will not be hurt or upset or angry. You should have one of these conversations every few months (3-6?) just to make sure things have not changed.

And speaking of changes, people, and their desires can change as often you change your underwear. What seems good in fantasy, may not be so good in reality. But one thing remains constant in any male chastity relationship... Teasing. Whether you tease him daily, weekly, or once a month, you must use both physical AND psychological (mental) teasing. That is, you can fondle his cock all day and never get him hard if you are talking about the weather, the economy, your bills, or his mother. Let's face it, you need to tend to his mental needs as well as his physical needs.

So... What's in a name? No matter what kind of relationship you have, no matter what you call each other, or yourself, one thing remains constant... You MUST communicate if you want to be successful. That is, if you want to be happy as a couple.

Mistress Ivey

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Judging by the email I receive on a regular basis, I assume that most of my readers are male. Just to be sure, I am asking you (whoever you are) to Please leave a comment concerning the variety in your sex life. Is it enough? Do you need more? Your participation is much appreciated.

My point is, I feel like I am preaching to the choir. However, this applies equally to both men and women even if they are not in a Female Led relationship (FLR). My subject for today is, Variety! After all, variety is the spice of life...

Let's assume that you can choose anything you like for dinner, but whatever you choose will be what you get everyday for the rest of your life. Just how long do you think it would take for you to get tired of eating the same old thing day after day? If you are like most people, it wouldn't take very long.

So why do you think your guy (husband, subbie, chastity boy, or whatever you call him) wants the same old thing sexually everyday? No matter what you are doing to tease him, no matter how much you make him please you, if you are not varying it often, then you are risking him getting bored with it (yourself included).

It doesn't matter what we are talking about, the fantasies you tell him, the sexual activity you make him preform for (or on) you, how you tease him, what you feed him, or even the praise you give him, if you are not including variety in all you do, then you are risking everything you have worked for going right down the drain.

By now, you have learned that the care and feeding of your partner is a great deal of work. I am the first to admit that it can be difficult. But you must include as much variety as you can in your daily routines. But if your marriage has improved since you started tease and denial with your partner, you don't want to lose what you have gained.

I could write list upon list of ways to vary your everyday activities, but I am going to leave it up to you to do the research. After all, who knows your partner better than you do? So here's what you need to do...

Take the time to research your partner's fantasies. Search the web for stories that he (or you) will like. Think about how you can change up those daily teases and even come up with new ways of denying his orgasm. Practice a little variety in those little teases you do several times a day to keep him interested, aroused, and thinking of you.

Make a list of everything you can remember doing. Make separate lists for daily teasing, fantasies, your own pleasure, and those special events you have done. Then try to add a few new things to each list. Now keep those lists handy and refer to them often. Don't repeat any one thing too often. Add to those lists any time you think of something new to try.

If you mix everything up enough, you may be surprised at the over all results. All this may very well renew your own pleasure and desire to engage in sexual activity and the fun you have teasing his cock. Variety truly is the spice of life, especially when it comes to your sex life!

Mistress Ivey

Monday, December 1, 2014

What About Your Fantasies?

I have written more about men's fantasies than I would care to read in one sitting, but I haven't written one thing about women's fantasies. And I don't care what you say, you know you have them.

As important as it is to know and understand your partner's fantasies, it's equally as important to have some of your own. If you enjoy chastity, tease and denial, or even CBT, you must have had at least one fantasy involving one or more of these things. Wouldn't it be great to try it out? Well, that depends on what it is. I mean, are you really going to march your subbie down Main Street wearing nothing but a collar, leash and a chastity device?

So, obviously you have to use a little common sense in determining what you can and can't do. Let's say you have selected a nice little dream about whipping your boy in a semi-public place... Say, a play party. I know, you don't attend any play parties. Why not? You should. You could learn a great deal from others who have been at it longer, or who's imaginations have been running wild for the last year or so.

Okay, back on subject. So how do you use this little fantasy of yours? How do you incorporate it into your “normal” playtime? The same way you would incorporate his fantasies. Start out by placing a blindfold over his eyes (it helps him visualize). Now, as you play with him (any way you like), talk about your fantasy. Tell him how you would really love to do it with (to?) him.

Vocalizing your fantasy should be enough to turn you on as much as it will him. Then, of course, you can have him pleasure you! The point is not to verbalize the fantasy completely. I mean, that can be a little intimidating. But, while he is tending to you, have him verbalize your fantasy for you. After all, didn't you just tell him what it was all about? Let him make up the details for you. That way, you can just relax and listen while he does whatever it is you want him to.

Once he knows a few of your fantasies, you can have him make up stories about them whenever you're in the mood. Why not use him for more than doing the chores?

Mistress Ivey