Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Who Are You?

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People often confuse me with someone who is cruel to men, or hates men, or enjoys inflicting pain on men. But that's not me. The truth is, I am an average woman who happened upon a lifestyle that is so often confused with that sort of person.
I consider myself to be average. Average looking, average intelligence, and average income and background. I have been poor. Living on the streets, poor. I never attended college, but I read a great deal, so I don't consider myself uneducated. The fact is, I am just an average woman, a house wife, as it were.
I am married. With the help of my husband, I have grown to understand romantic relationships quite well. After all, I have lived in many different kinds of relationships.
My philosophy concerning female led relationships (FLR) is somewhat different than many you will encounter on the Internet. I do (and have done) my research when it comes to these types of relationships. The fact is, I was in one before I knew what to call it.
An FLR is not that different from the average couple anywhere in the world, or throughout history, for that matter. The truth is, women have a power over men that men often overlook, and therefore, fall prey to. Erotic power!
You see, men are driven, even controlled, by their desire for sex. They can't help it. They were made that way. Women, on the other hand, are not so driven. They have something men want. And except for certain cases where sex is forced upon them, women control the sexual part of any male/female relationship (at least in the free world).
But marriage is a give and take on both sides. The only difference between a male dominated relationship and a female dominated one is who is in control. At least, that's what we are told. The fact is, more men are controlled by their libidos than would like to admit it. Men are weak when it comes to sex. They can't help it. It's their nature.
It is my belief, and I try to convey that to others, that even in a FLR, there must be a certain amount of balance. Men have rights in a FLR, just as women have rights in a male dominated relationship. The only real difference is that, I recommend spelling out those rights in an agreement. This agreement is intended to be a true negotiated agreement that spells out exactly what is expected from each member of the partnership (marriage).
I so often run into couples whose agreement is either non-existent, or very poorly negotiated. If you ask the man who wants his wife to become his “Mistress” what he is willing to do for her, the answer is invariably, “Whatever she wants.” When it comes time to negotiate the agreement (if they bother to do it at all) many men who desire this type of relationship, fail to be realistic. They are so anxious for their wives to take over, they fail to honestly negotiate their own limits.
On the other hand, there are those women who only enter into this type of agreement in order to placate their partner, and they don't follow through on what is expected of them. Sometimes, this is due to that fact that they, themselves, have not done their research and are unaware of what is being required of them.
I know of one couple who set up a FLR simply because it was what the husband (at least he said) desperately wanted. When his wife locked him in chastity (which was a part of the agreement) he refused to wear the device on the weekends, siting that he needed to be able to masturbate if she didn't give him the teasing he wanted. That was never a part of the agreement, nor does it make any sense at all, if he truly wanted her to be in charge. As it turned out, he entered into the agreement (after pushing his wife into it) hoping she would spend several hours a day sexually teasing him (something she was totally unprepared to do). Because the agreement failed to specify what constituted “sexual teasing,” the whole thing fell apart. The wife failed to do any research into what she was getting herself into, and the husband had his own ideas as to what he wanted. It failed miserably.
So, in conclusion, I warn men not to push their wives into something they are not prepared for, and to be realistic in their expectations. I warn women to do their homework before sitting down at the negotiating table. Know what he wants. Know what you are willing to do. Make an agreement, at least an initial one, that does not require more from either of you, than you are prepared to give.
All relationships evolve. Allow for that, and don't try to make yours the “ideal” FLR until it has had time to evolve. Let it grow. Don't try to push things too fast. You both need time to learn your roles and how to handle various situations. Be patient, and things will work themselves out.

Mistress Ivey


  1. I continue to strive to get my wife to be a dominant wife. I even put on my chastity device to try to motivate her. I tried to stand back and let her do her thing but maybe I NEED to top from the bottom so she can get involved and take over. Maybe a contract to spell out what is expected would be a good idea. How involved should it be. Steve

    1. Steve, a contract, or agreement would be an excellent idea. It can be used to spell out what you will do for her and what you expect her to do for you. Contrary to what some may think, this is a two-way street. Knowing what is expected can be a great help. However, don't pile too much on her for the first round. You can always renegotiate later. What you want now, is just enough to get things started. You need to find things SHE likes and let her expand for there.

  2. Mistress Ivey,

    i am going to disagree with You about something. You are far from average. You are extremely beautiful, exceptionally intelligent, and way beyond the vast majority of Women. You are a rare jewel, and Your writings and publications are amazing. Thank You for all You do. You are a treasure!!

  3. Dear Mistress Ivy,

    Can I thank you for a clear, well written post(s), You have a wonderful ability to see through the fog of confusion and ignorance that seems to often surround FLM/FLR.

    We are coming up to 11 years of marriage, we entered into a FLR when we met some 13 years ago, moving into a FLM.

    I don't think either of us have been unrealistic in our relationship, however I will admit that where I thought we would end up going and where we are is not quite the same.

    If I had our time again I would spend more time negotiating.

    We got through our disasters, some we would have avoided by more negotiating.

    Keep up the excellent work


  4. Now if only I could get my husband to wear a device. Grrrrrr!!!!

  5. You need to read her books.
    You need to accept your role and deliver the consequences.

  6. You need to read her books.
    You need to accept your role and deliver the consequences.