Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Are You Truly Submissive?

Are you truly submissive, or are you just kinky? That's the question you men should ask yourselves. You women should ask yourselves if you are truly in an FLR or are you just a dominant for his kink?

Many men, women too, mistake leadership in an FLR for dominance in kink. If you are doing kinky things for your partner because that's what he wants, but you are not getting what you want from the relationship, then you are just playing dominant to his kink. If he were truly submissive, then he would be fulfilling all your hopes and dreams, desires, and kinks, without expecting anything in return. That much is fact.

An FLR is not a sexual relationship. It is a lead and follow relationship. That is, as the leader of the relationship, you, as a woman, should be getting anything and everything you want. Only then, should you feel the need to reward your submissive with sexual favors that he wants, whether they be kinky or not.

Men, if you are not willing to give up your right to make decisions, to choose what you do and don't do, on a daily basis, to turn over total control of your families fives to your wife, then you are not submissive at all. Being sexually submissive is NOT the same as being submissive to your partner in all things.

Think carefully about what I am saying here. If you, as a man, want to be teased for hours on end, then denied an orgasm for months at a time, then you must be willing to do anything to get that. Yes, I said “ANYTHING!” A true submissive will be rewarded for serving unselfishly. That means, if you expect no reward for your service to your partner and you serve her without complaint, then you deserve to be rewarded. That reward may, or may not, be sexual in nature, but it will be fulfilling.

So serve your wife (Mistress) without seeking reward, you shall be rewarded. It may sound contradictory, but it isn't when you think about it. So ask yourself, “Am I being truly submissive, or am I being selfish?” The answer may surprise you. And you may not like it. Only YOU can change the reason for your service.

Mistress Ivey
Inspired by "Queenie" of ConquerHim.com

19 comments:

  1. Mistress Ivey ... that was as complete and thorough of an explanation as I have ever seen. Thank you for sharing.

    When I went through the contemplation process of approaching my wife to ask her to be my Mistress, I felt then that it had to be for the right reason. To me that reason had to be that I needed to get genuine satisfaction out of service to her, and like you said, without any expectation of a reward in return. My wife had always been sweet, accommodating, yielding, supportive, agreeable and even submissive when it came to how she interacted with people. I am convinced that when she agreed to accept my submission, she did so in order to yield to a kink that I had. Even today there are still remnants of those feeling, but I will tell you this .... she has grown. She has grown in her role as a Mistress Wife ... a lot. We both love the progress we are making and the closeness we feel for each other in our marriage and I am super excited to see where it takes us .... which of course is wherever she decides it will go.

    Thank you!

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  2. Good afternoon Mistress Ivey i stumbled across this post after subhubphx linked to it today

    Kinda hit me hard if i am honest, I always thought FLR was something we would end up naturally drifting into seeing as our journey into and success with cuckolding meaning more and more power is in my wife's hands

    But after reading this i seem to feel i am more so in the selfish list rather then the submissive one.....gave me some food for thought that is for sure
    Sent the link to my wife as well, think its something that will lead to a sit down and a deep chat

    In as few words as possible "Thank you for the powerful post"

    C (Husband)

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  3. I also found you via subhub...

    I am a submissive wife, slave to my husband, and I totally get off on pleasing him. I love making people happy, it's who I am, and when I can do that for him...there are no words to describe how I feel. He has given me so much and I feel like what I do is such a small way to repay him.

    But, I do have expectations! I have needs, that when left untouched I fall apart (which really is quite annoying!) and do/say things that go against the way I want to be. It cripples me when I get that way. Anyway, I don't think it's wrong to expect those needs to be fulfilled--after all, in the end, it helps him get what he wants. It has been difficult for me to accept and expect those needs...

    Please don't misread, I don't disagree with what you've said. There are other kinds of expectations that I have had to let go of (and I probably have some lingering ones left to deal with), which relate to what you speak of here, but I feel like my main intention is to please him.

    Boy, I've really rambled on here. Lol.

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  4. If he were truly submissive, then he would be fulfilling all your hopes and dreams, desires, and kinks, without expecting anything in return. That much is fact.

    That much, indeed, is NOT fact. Subs are people too and they have needs and wants. Any and all relationships are a negotiation on some level. Subs have expectations of Doms just like Doms do of subs. There are many, many truly submissive people out there that aren't in D/s relationships because the Dom doesn't give them what they need. Just because one is submissive doesn't mean they have to settle for not being in a fulfilling relationship...things don't happen in a vacuum; it takes both the D and the s to make a D/s relationship work.

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  5. I tried to turn over control to my wife in all things in exchange for 2 small things, a little daily affection and teasing/denial a couple times a week, with my orgasms totally up to her as to how and when. We are talking 5 minutes out of her day, plus maybe 45 unites out of her week. She was to have final say on everything and I was to do all chores. Plus she had the right to punish me. I don't think that my 5% benefit was too much to expect for her 95% benefit. But that was too much of her day to spend on healing a marriage in exactly the way she wanted, which was to be the boss. Just because you write a blog and books and declare yourself an expert, doesn't make your ideas or Queenie's the only right answer for every couple. Such arrogance! I have watched the change of tone in your blogs and won't even be back to read your sure to be sarcastic answer. Neither my wife nor you are worth my time anymore.

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  6. Mistress Ivey,
    What a great thought provoking post. There is a difference in a femdom relationship, a female led one, and kink. They can of course contain elements of each. We live a female led marriage and I agree, my wife comes first. Placing her first, willing to sacrifice my desires elevates the both of us. It has never been a secret that in placing oneself second, one becomes first. I place myself second to my wife and I am her priority.
    Keep up the good work.

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  7. I wonder whether it might help to look at this from another way. Let's say that the lady of the house loves the adoration and desire that she illicits from her partner when he is submissive. Surely an emotionally intelligent and self aware female is going to nurture and encourage her partner to this end. If she has prior knowledge that some of his motivators are kink based then she needs to decide whether she chooses to embrace and develop this or whether it is a no go. If it's the latter, and she ignores the desires of her submissive can she really be surprised if, over time, her partner feels a little less loved and understood? I'm naturally adverse to absolute statements, so instead I will refer to direct experience. When my wife became more aware of my hot buttons, and when she found ways to engage with them that she found appealing, the result was that it increased my levels of desire and adoration hugely. She enabled me to discover levels of desire to please that were previously hidden from me. She accepted me as I am, engaged me on her terms, and got more than she could have imagined. Ours is a journey, and we grow together. So to speak in absolutes seems to me to run the risk of throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

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    1. That was epic Rob. Thank you. Like any relationship, it requires desire and effort. If there is no desire, the effort will be bull-shit based to begin with and then wane over time, ending with a broken home.

      I am also adverse to absolute statements as well, but your words are spot on. It's tease and deny, not ignore and deny. There is a quote I have heard that applies here ... One is "I'm a good, but if you don't pet me once in a while, it's going to be hard to keep me under the porch" - Ron White

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  8. Ivey, this is a great post. I have been trying to say for years on femdom 101 that a flm or femdom marriage is not really about the sexual aspects as much as it is about who makes the decisions and who leads in the relationship. However, the guys never seem to get it. You put it so nicely and clearly. Kathy

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    1. Some of us guys get it Kathy. *smile

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    2. I would certainly not say most but, at least some of us do understand.

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  9. I think a useful definition of submission is "Strength under control". In the case of our marriage, my strength under my wife's control. How the female chooses to go about managing her man will ultimately define the narrative of the relationship, and in some cases this will have a sexual element. This isn't wrong. This doesn't beach some unspecified code or cross some line on the sand. And to the best of my knowledge there's no rulebook we are obliged to refer to. No Bible. No absolute authority. I welcome this, because it allows couples an amazing canvas on which something special can be crafted. If one female wants her relationship to be less sexualy motivated then that's fine. If another wants to use her partners sexuality to heighten their collective union than that's awesome, too.

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  10. My wife and I had a similar conversation the other night, discussing the difference between a submissive and a slave. The way she sees it, a submissive is a part-time, selfish commitment by somebody who wants something for their selves. Whether it's being teased, dominated, used, or whatever, the submissive is expecting some reward from the exchange. A slave, on the other hand, is a full-time true commitment by somebody who exists to serve and give pleasure. Their satisfaction comes not from anything they received, but from the satisfaction of those they serve.

    We have always had a female-led relationship, and we've just starting getting involved in the local kink community. I am delighted to be introduced as her slave, and expect no more reward than her enduring happiness.Whether it's making that perfect dinner or bringing her to multiple orgasms, her satisfaction is my favorite reward.

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  11. Thank you so much for your post, Misty. When men are writing such content they are immediately pushed into the topping from the bottom or not truly submissive corner.
    Who is allowed to judge on this? For sure no Queenie or however she is calling herself. It's her opinion - and maybe she has a partner having no personal needs, no buttons which need to be pushed from time to time. Nice, but it's not the single point of truth on FLR.
    Otherwise Ivey needs for example immediately to stop her webteases. They are just male-oriented and if the man can be happy that he found a woman to serve, that must be enough. Just pure logic.

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    1. I'm glad I'm not the only one to identify the contradiction between this post and the general mood of the blog. It seemed to me quite a tangential shift?

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  12. If there seems to be a "shift" in the direction of this blog, it is purely coincidental. There are two types of FLR if you really want to get down to it. There is the "normal" everyday couple who wants to have the woman lead in all (or many) areas and there is the Femdom type of relationship in which it is more about sex than anything else. Of course, there are a few levels that fit in between those extremes, but I wanted to point out that not every FLR is about sex.

    I am sorry that I haven't had the time to respond to more of you individually, but I thank you all for your comments, both positive AND negative. That's what makes for a good discussion.

    MI

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  13. Mistress Ivey:

    As others have commented, there is a lot of “food for thought” in this blog post and the responses thereto. Your discussion of whether guys are “truly submissive” seems to me very much in line with the outlook that Ms. Rika has consistently articulated that true submission is related to the intent with which a submissive performs an act of service and the intent that the dominant has in receiving that act (my paraphrasing, not her words). The nature of submission seems to me to be an incredibly rich topic for learning and growth.

    I must say, though, that my first reaction to this blog post is that some of your thinking seems to have evolved from positions you have espoused in your various blog posts and books over the years. It seems to me that you have advocated that FLRs should be first and foremost fun, that both parties should have their needs met, and that women should “sexualize everything” because we guys can’t possibly get enough sex with the women we love (you’ve got that right, in my judgement!). You write now that “you, as a woman, should be getting anything and everything you want. Only then, should you feel the need to reward your submissive with sexual favors that he wants, whether they be kinky or not.” While I am inclined to agree with this new statement, it seems to me at least a little at odds with what I have understood you to be saying before. Just as one example, in your “Letter to Women” (written quite a few years ago, but still posted at the top of your blog), you wrote “Therefore, ladies, it's our duty to tease them and then deny them the release they only think they want”. Your current blog post would seem to suggest that such a duty is not applicable. Maybe I am reading this too finely?

    I guess the major takeaway from your post should be along the lines of “don’t expect specific rewards for your acts of service and trust that your Mistress will provide appropriate rewards of her choosing”. That has certainly been my personal experience. However, I also suspect if those rewards were not, in fact, forthcoming, my desire to continue serving altruistically would fade over time. I think that makes me not “truly submissive”, but it does make me human. It seems to me there should be room between “you’re a true submissive” and “you’re selfish” for other differentiations. How about room for guys who are not naturally submissive, but who choose of their own free will to submit to their Mistress anyway? I think (self-servingly, perhaps) that there is something admirable about that kind of submission, too!

    Respectfully,
    Patrick

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    1. Patrick... I think you are getting it. In fact, there are several different types of submissive out there. I usually round it off to about four basic types. I have not changed my position, I am simply exploring the motivations of different men. Way back when I called myself a "slave" there was a great deal of controversy over the difference between a slave and a submissive. I think it is still a controversial subject when we talk about men being submissive.

      Just as there are many motivations for a woman to be dominant, there are different motivations for a man to be submissive. I feel that, with the proper motivation, any man can be controlled. I also believe that sex is the easiest way to do that (with most men). There are exceptions to every rule, but when we look at history, we see that even in the patriarchal societies in the Bible, there are examples of women using sex to influence a man's decisions. If one is "truly" submissive, he needs no other influence or motivation to serve. But most men (and women) are not truly submissive by that definition. Therefore, we need some type of motivation, whether it be financial, sexual, or love.

      MI

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  14. This has been a great post to follow--very thought provoking.

    I think we have such great emotion when it comes to this subject because most make it feel like a competition or a judgement, which tends to make people defensive (and maybe question themselves in a way they don't want to). Fact is, it doesn't matter if we are true or made, submissive or slave, we all are special in some way. Does it really matter what motivations are, if those involved are happy? I don't think so.

    I think this touched home for me because I really hate that I have needs, I hate that sometimes it is about me...but c'est la vie :)

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