Topping From The Bottom

Well, guys... Now it's your turn! I get so many complaints from men and women alike, that their partner is not doing their part. When I look more closely at the relationship, I so often find that the guy is trying to top from the bottom. Put simply, they tell their wives (or partners) just exactly what to do, how to dress, when and how to punish them, and/or tease them.

Guys... You can't do that and expect your partner to just fall in line. It doesn't work that way. If your partner is not all “gung ho” about taking control, she will NOT be what you were hoping she would be. Not even close. Telling her what and how to do things is never going to work. Period!

The best approach is one in which you educate your partner and find things that she might enjoy doing, or having done for her. She needs to do some research. Who knows better than you where to send her for the information YOU want her to have? No one. So if she sounds even a little bit open to working with you in setting up an FLR (or whatever name you want to call it), give her time to do her research.

Maybe you can make it a joint venture. You know where to go, so go there together and let her read things for herself, or read them together. Read her stories that illustrate the kinds of things you enjoy. Ask her if any of what you read interests her. If it does, build on that. If not, read her something else. Keep going until you find something that she says she might enjoy doing.

Once you cross that first hurtle, the rest is easy. Make an agreement that simply states that you will do such-and-such and that she will do something specific as well. For example, you will wash the dishes and take out the trash every night if she will spend ten minutes playing with your cock. Then try it for a week or so. Keep helping her do research, however she wants to do it. Then, when she finds something else she would like to try, add it to your agreement.

Now you are on your way. Don't push her, that will be counter productive. It will NEVER work! Instead, lead her toward those things that she finds interesting or fun. Remember, it's a game of give and take. Don't try to do it all. Neither of you will be happy in the end and your attempt at an FLR will fail. Just relax, enjoy those parts that you can, and let nature take its course. It will.

Mistress Ivey

Fun Fun Fun!

Ladies, what kind of things do you think are fun (sexually speaking)? That is, do you enjoy receiving oral stimulation? Giving oral stimulation? Acting like a bitch and shouting orders to your submissive partner? Maybe you are more the type who enjoys embarrassing your partner and making him feel the humiliation?

My point here? If you are going to make your female dominated relationship work, you are going to have to find something that is fun for YOU! Maybe locking your guy in chastity then sexually teasing him for weeks (or even months) at a time is what gives you a thrill. It doesn't matter what you enjoy. What matters is that you make sure you are doing SOMETHING! Your partner is expecting his needs and/or desires to be satisfied, and only YOU can do that. So doing nothing will not work. Find out what is fun for you, and then use that to have fun with him.

If you were both open and honest in creating your agreement, then you stand a good chance of making your relationship a success. After all, isn't that what this is all about? Your relationship? Don't be afraid to try something new. After all, chances are, you have already reached a point where your male dominated relationship went stale. That is, it may have become boring, sex almost non-existent. This is YOUR chance to “fix” things.

Don't be afraid to talk to your partner about ANYTHING. Do some research. Find out what kinds of things other people are doing. Start out slow. Add things as you go. Experiment. Be brave. If your partner likes the idea of being cuckolded, but you just can't bring yourself to do that sort of thing, fake it. Get all dressed up. Go out. When you get home, tease your partner by telling him all about how you met this really well hung guy, and how you went to his place and he fucked your brains out. He won't know the difference unless you admit that you just went to your sister's house and watched TV.

If your partner wants to be publicly humiliated, tell him you are going to invite some friends over and you want him to serve you all, maybe wearing only his chastity device. Or maybe make him masturbate for you. You might be surprised how embarrassed he becomes just at the thought of doing that.

The best way to find out what your partner likes is to have him gather some captioned photos. The caption says it all. The photo is usually irrelevant. But you will find out what kind of Mistress he wants you to be. There is always a way for you both to be more sexually satisfied than ever before, if you are willing to work at it. But remember, it is supposed to be FUN!

Mistress Ivey

Who Are You?

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People often confuse me with someone who is cruel to men, or hates men, or enjoys inflicting pain on men. But that's not me. The truth is, I am an average woman who happened upon a lifestyle that is so often confused with that sort of person.

I consider myself to be average. Average looking, average intelligence, and average income and background. I have been poor. Living on the streets, poor. I never attended college, but I read a great deal, so I don't consider myself uneducated. The fact is, I am just an average woman, a house wife, as it were.

I am married. With the help of my husband, I have grown to understand romantic relationships quite well. After all, I have lived in many different kinds of relationships.

My philosophy concerning female led relationships (FLR) is somewhat different than many you will encounter on the Internet. I do (and have done) my research when it comes to these types of relationships. The fact is, I was in one before I knew what to call it.

An FLR is not that different from the average couple anywhere in the world, or throughout history, for that matter. The truth is, women have a power over men that men often overlook, and therefore, fall prey to. Erotic power!

You see, men are driven, even controlled, by their desire for sex. They can't help it. They were made that way. Women, on the other hand, are not so driven. They have something men want. And except for certain cases where sex is forced upon them, women control the sexual part of any male/female relationship (at least in the free world).

But marriage is a give and take on both sides. The only difference between a male dominated relationship and a female dominated one is who is in control. At least, that's what we are told. The fact is, more men are controlled by their libidos than would like to admit it. Men are weak when it comes to sex. They can't help it. It's their nature.

It is my belief, and I try to convey that to others, that even in a FLR, there must be a certain amount of balance. Men have rights in a FLR, just as women have rights in a male dominated relationship. The only real difference is that, I recommend spelling out those rights in an agreement. This agreement is intended to be a true negotiated agreement that spells out exactly what is expected from each member of the partnership (marriage).

I so often run into couples whose agreement is either non-existent, or very poorly negotiated. If you ask the man who wants his wife to become his “Mistress” what he is willing to do for her, the answer is invariably, “Whatever she wants.” When it comes time to negotiate the agreement (if they bother to do it at all) many men who desire this type of relationship, fail to be realistic. They are so anxious for their wives to take over, they fail to honestly negotiate their own limits.

On the other hand, there are those women who only enter into this type of agreement in order to placate their partner, and they don't follow through on what is expected of them. Sometimes, this is due to that fact that they, themselves, have not done their research and are unaware of what is being required of them.

I know of one couple who set up a FLR simply because it was what the husband (at least he said) desperately wanted. When his wife locked him in chastity (which was a part of the agreement) he refused to wear the device on the weekends, siting that he needed to be able to masturbate if she didn't give him the teasing he wanted. That was never a part of the agreement, nor does it make any sense at all, if he truly wanted her to be in charge. As it turned out, he entered into the agreement (after pushing his wife into it) hoping she would spend several hours a day sexually teasing him (something she was totally unprepared to do). Because the agreement failed to specify what constituted “sexual teasing,” the whole thing fell apart. The wife failed to do any research into what she was getting herself into, and the husband had his own ideas as to what he wanted. It failed miserably.

So, in conclusion, I warn men not to push their wives into something they are not prepared for, and to be realistic in their expectations. I warn women to do their homework before sitting down at the negotiating table. Know what he wants. Know what you are willing to do. Make an agreement, at least an initial one, that does not require more from either of you, than you are prepared to give.

All relationships evolve. Allow for that, and don't try to make yours the “ideal” FLR until it has had time to evolve. Let it grow. Don't try to push things too fast. You both need time to learn your roles and how to handle various situations. Be patient, and things will work themselves out.

Mistress Ivey

What Are You Denying?

I get quite a few complaints from men whose wives have locked them up in a chastity device (and some who haven't) concerning orgasm control. These men want to know exactly what constitutes “Orgasm Denial” and what is just plain sexual denial.

Ladies, ladies, ladies! If you are not teasing your partner at least once a day (hopefully a great deal more) then you will never achieve what you are looking for. Your man will eventually stop doing as he is told and will become disillusioned at the least, possibly even bitter about it.

Sexual denial is never going to improve your marriage, or your husband's behavior. If your goal is to mold him into the man you want him to be, then you have to tease him and tease him and tease him some more. That's all there is to it.

In my experience, you should be teasing your guy for at least 30 minutes a day. It doesn't matter whether you give him that all at once or break it down into several shorter teases, but you must tease him every day. You need to use him to please you, if nothing else. That alone will give him what he needs even if you do nothing else.

Personally, I recommend teasing him for five minutes or so several times a day. You must talk to him, erotically, that is. Get his cock hard. If he is in a chastity device and can't get hard, at least make his cock strain against its confines. If you can do this several times each day, then you are no longer just denying him sex.

Once or twice a week you should spend at least an hour getting him sexually aroused. Talk to him, stroke his body. Tease his nipples, balls and anus. Use some kind of instrument, a toothpick, a feather, a fine brush, to tease his body until he is fully aroused (mentally if not physically).

At least once a month, remove his chastity device (bind his hands so that he can't touch himself) and tease his cock until he is begging for that orgasm you have denied him. You can either let him have it, ruin it, or just plain deny it for another day, week, month, or whatever length of time you like. Make it fun for you. If you enjoy doing it, then you will be more likely to continue doing it instead of ignoring the fact that your partner needs sexual attention.

If you are one of those who doesn't want to use a chastity device, be prepared for him to masturbate. It will happen, in spite of what he tells you. But if you can make it more interesting for him, say with a little humiliation? Then you may not need that chastity device. Try making him masturbate while you watch. Do it several times a week and you may get his unauthorized masturbation under control.

In short, make sure that you are denying him orgasms and not just denying sex. Sorry to have to tell you this, ladies, but if you simply deny him sex, he will get it elsewhere, even if it's only by his own hand.

Mistress Ivey

New Life

I had an interesting question posed to me recently. What can you do when the relationship is getting (for lack of a better word) stale? In spite of the fact that you are both doing all those things that you originally agreed to do for each other, one (or both) of you are getting a bit bored. It happens in any relationship, FLR or not.

When something like this happens to me, I turn to the Internet for ideas. First I talk with my partner about it and suggest he do the same. We both, though independently, look for something we have not tried before. Now, you might think that I am going to tell you that we (or you should) talk about the things you discover that interest you. Nope! What we do is try some of those things out without discussing them (assuming it can be done that way) and then talk about how we both felt afterwords.

If my husband comes up with something that requires me to do something different, of course, he can't do it without discussing it first. What he does then is to relate a fantasy about the particular activity. If I am the one who found something new, I will normally try it out just to surprise him.

Every one is different, so you will have to work things out your own way, but my first suggestion for when things start to get a bit stale is to turn to fantasy. Read stories, write stories, broaden your mind with what you can find out there.

All too often we get stuck (even on the Internet) with what we have, and we don't look for anything new and different. That is, we find things that have worked for us in the past, and never go back to Bing or Google to see what there might be that's new.

Like I said, do some research. Read other people's fantasies. See if you can't get something going in your own head, then present it to your partner and see if you are both interested. Who knows what lies around the next bend? All you can do is look for it. Reading always inspires me. It gets my brain to work a little overtime. Perhaps it will do the same for you.

Maybe you will find a way to pump new life into your daily grind...

Mistress Ivey