Tuesday, February 10, 2015

#1 Complaint (Pt-1)

During the average week I get literally hundreds of emails from all over the world. I do my best to keep up with it all, and answer every one I get. However, in the interest of possibly reducing some of that email, I would like to address my number one complaint.
More than anything else, I get emails from men complaining that, even though their wives (lovers, girlfriends, partners, or what have you) don't tease them enough, or don't pay them enough attention. By this, they most often mean that they are not getting as many orgasms as they would like. Here is my advice to all those men and women in this situation.
First of all, ask yourself, “Who is in charge?” If the answer is, “She is,” then take it up with her. I cannot make your partner do anything she doesn't want to do, nor can I motivate her to do more. There are three possible reasons that she is not doing what you want her to do. The first, and most important, is that you wanted her to be in charge, and now that she is, you are not happy with the way she does things. So the first reason is simply that she is not you and has the right to do things the way she wants to do them.
The second reason she is not living up to your expectations might be that your expectations are too high. That is, your fantasies about how things will be, are not realistic. She has things to do besides teasing your little dickie all day.
The third and final reason might be that she simply doesn't know what you want. That is, you expect her to read your mind. What have you done to help her understand what you need and want? Hounding her about it will NOT work. She will only give up, thinking there is no way she can ever truly please you.
The answer to all these situations is the same. SHE is in charge. You wanted it that way. You told her that you would do anything to please her. Perhaps, you are not holding up your end of the bargain. The more you do for her, the more free time she will have. The more free time she has, the more of it she can spend with you.
Not getting enough orgasms? Really? Who determines when and how you get to cum? Her! If she doesn't want to allow you to have an orgasm, then live it. After all, this is what you wanted.
STOP pushing her for more. Stop hounding her about sex. Stop complaining! Tell her how much you appreciate what she does do. Praise her for the great job she has done, so far. Telling her what you want, telling her how to do things, and telling her she isn't doing enough, are NOT good ways to get what you want. Stop trying to top from the bottom. You gave her the reins, let her use them however she wants.
Gentlemen, in order to get more, you first must appreciate what you have.
Mistress Ivey


  1. Wise word Mistress Ivey. DTBHC.

  2. WOW!!! Words well spoken Mistress Ivey. Either you are submissive and accept what your Mistress does or you are not a true submissive and want to top from the bottom.
    At times I've asked Mistress R for something I wanted at the time. Some times I got it some times I didn't. But I sure didn't complain because I didn't get it.

  3. Phony baloney. Your books, blogs, and even your image accompanying this very blog post are all highly sexually charged. Your writings are replete with d/s, orgasm control, teasing/denial, humiliations, punishments, and advice to learn your the submissive's fantasies. Yet today in this blog post you're saying that the so-called "dominant" can do anything they want, even nothing 24/7/365: no d/s (ever), no teasing (ever), no humiliations (ever), no punishments (ever), no anything (ever) except for denial of sex (unless you want to have sex, then you can initiate it with your husband). That sounds like a standard sexless run-of-the-mill vanilla marriage to me. In fact that would make for much shorter books and blog posts: "Chapter 1: Females, do whatever you want. The end."

    1. You sound very bitter. I thought about removing this post to save you some embarrassment, but then, you didn't even leave your name. So your stupidity shall remain for all to see.

  4. I am not anonymous from 2/11, but I have to say that when it comes to my own relationship, he has a point. My wife has always been very vanilla and also has always had a naturally cool and distant attitude which has gotten worse over the years, we now both being 60. So I suggested the FLR from the Around Her Finger website, so that I could get some actual affection and a little more sex (when we do get around to sex, we are both good at it and both seem to enjoy it, it just takes a long time to get back to it). She would get all the housework done for her, make all final decisions, control all our sex, be able to punish me physically, etc. After a couple of weeks, she declared it "too much work", even though she now had twice as much free time since I was doing all the housework and giving her 3-4 orgasms a week to my one every other week! She is basically too lazy to do the little bit of teasing and affection a couple of times a week to keep this going, even though she is putting in a 5% effort compared to my 95% effort. I can't believe it yet, but 10 minutes of basic affection per day, two 10 minute teasing sessions a week, and sex every two weeks is too much effort for her, for it to be worth all I was willing to do for her! She would rather hang out on social sites and shopping sites on the computer. It's not a job problem either...we each have retirement jobs, mine for 28 hours per week, hers only 12 hours a week, nor is it a privacy issue. She just doesn't want to do anything to make our relationship better, because it's "too much to think about" according to her. I expect to be divorced by next year at this time, so I can look for someone who actually appreciates a loving, affectionate and horny "young old guy".

  5. Anonymous from 2/17 again...just so you know, she was semi-willing to try it out, but didn't want to have to look at any sexual websites or FLR websites, or read the Around Your Finger or How to Spank Your Man books I bought for her so she didn't have to go to the websites. When I asked her to design it her way, she spent weeks accomplishing nothing on it. When I asked, begged in fact for a list of weekly chores, she couldn't get to it. I tried to hand over the Queenship to her, and she was too lazy to do her part and at least minimally participate! She claims to want more say in our marriage, but when I submitted and tried to hand it to her, she backed away. So now when I go ahead and do things my way around the house, she complains that I am too dominant and she wants more control...but I would rather see things get done. There is just no pleasing the woman!

    1. I can sympathize with you on this one. I know some women like that. I know in particular who spends her entire day posting on Facebook. In fact, it is so bad that she will send her partner out for groceries (or what have you) then do nothing but complain about him. She is so lazy, she will bitch that he didn't leave the cigarette lighter for her. The fact is, she is just too lazy to get up off her ass and get one sitting on the kitchen counter. It's not that she can't do it, she just refuses to get up and walk across the room.
      My point is, there are those people who just don't appreciate anything anyone does for them. They are not happy unless they have something to complain about. I know both men and women who are this way.
      I would never recommend divorce to anyone, but some people just don't appreciate what they have. In your case, you can lead a horse to water, but...

  6. Anonymous 2/17 again. Thanks Mistress Ivey for the supporting reply. I wish my wife was a lot more like you. I would be so much happier if she would accept me as her submissive husband and also spank me when I needed it, and she would just be affectionate and sexy as my reward for serving her. Love your blog. Yours and a few other ladies give me some exciting fantasies that help a little. Your husband is such a lucky man.