Saturday, April 16, 2011


I get a lot of questions concerning things like: “How do I know what I can and can't do to my sub?” and; “How can I tell my Mistress what I like and don't like without topping from the bottom?” These are very legitimate questions and they deserve straight forward answers. The problem is, the answers are are not so simple. Everyone is different and their desires, likes, dislikes, tolerances, and limits are all different. But there is an easy way to get the guidance you need without any topping from the bottom or taking the fun out of the whole experience.

What you need to guide you safely through your experience is a contract. Why? Because a contract, though not legally binding, will help you establish rules, protocols, and a way to keep things from getting out of control. A contract can be an excellent guide for the Mistress (or KH, or whatever you are called) as well as for the sub, hubby, chaste, or teasee.

As important as a contract is, there is one thing even more important than a contract. Something that can enhance your entire female led relationship (especially the sexual part) more than any other single thing I can think of. It's a checklist. Yes, the same checklist that any good BDSM couple would use (with some minor modifications) to enhance their relationship. There is a very good checklist available at Souls Haven. But if you don't want to do an online checklist they have obtained a printable version that you can use if you prefer.

Now, just why do you need a checklist? It's simple. Proper use of a checklist can be a wonderful guide for the Mistress (or KH) in determining what things she can or can't actually do as well as those things that will turn her sub on the most. A good checklist, when used properly can help clarify the rules you set in your contract, and it can be a great guide to helping your sub grow in his role. There are limits that can be pushed well as those that can only be used in fantasy.

I suggested that whatever checklist you use be modified. Here is what I suggest you do. Use the answers that indicate a dislike of something as an area for growth. Use the soft and hard limits for fantasies only. That is, if your sub marks “video taping” as something he dislikes, and you would really enjoy video taping your sessions for humiliation reasons, then that would be an area for growth. By talking it up, especially during your tease sessions, you can build his fantasies up to a point where he might actually begin to want to video tape a session or two. It may take time for him to warm up to the idea, but patience will eventually prevail. You can work up to it by taking an occasional photo during your sessions and see how that goes.

If your sub has a hard limit on be cuckolded, you may never get him to change that through growth, but you can still use it in the fantasies you tell him during your tease sessions. He may be aroused by the fantasy and still never want that to become a reality. The point is, he may never tell you what his deepest, darkest fantasies are, but you can get some ideas from his checklist.

It is important that you both fill out checklists. You can use the information obtained to help you work out a viable contract. You need to update your checklists as well as your contract as things progress. After all, if he is growing, or just becoming more willing to serve your needs, his checklist may change as time goes by. Your tastes may change as well. So either your contract should be designed to be adaptive to such changes, or you need to review it from time to time.

In a future post I will give you sample contract. But for now, by including a reference to your respective checklists, you can make your contract flexible enough to adapt to changing desires. That way, you only need to update (and review) your checklists to keep your contract up to date.

Now, about that contract. This is a post about contracts. Remember? Anyway, the best way to make a good contract is to keep it simple. First, you should define your roles. That is, state specifically what is expected of each person. Are you a key holder, a Mistress, a Goddess, or a wife? Is your partner a submissive, a slave, a cuckie, or a hubby? It helps to define these roles in general terms so that they remain flexible. If Mistress is to be in control of the finances it should state that in your contract.

The main purpose of a contract is to set a time limit (at least in an initial contract) which can be extended either in a second contract, or by mutual agreement. I don't recommend making your contract longer than a year. At least not your first contract. It's very likely that after only a short time you will find there are things you wish you had written into the contract, or that you should have not included. Therefore, try making it for a few months, or even six months. A short trial period can be of great benefit once you actually get into your new lifestyle.

Next you need to include a section on respecting limits and allowing for growth. Nothing elaborate, just a short paragraph on each. If you are going to using a chastity device, you should include any specifics with which you feel comfortable. For example, you might say, “Mistress will have complete control of all release dates.” Or perhaps you want to say how often the sub will be permitted to cum. It should also include any limitations you may need such as when you will be addressed as “Mistress” or when your hubby is not required to obey you, such as during meetings at work or when the kids are around, or whatever limits you need to put in place.

You should include a short section on punishments and/or rewards. Again, make these as flexible as you can by relating them to your checklists. As long as you relate as many things to your checklists as you can, your contract will be flexible. A change in a checklist, is a change to the contract without having to actually rewrite the contract.

Finally, you will want a section that allows either partner the opportunity to step out their role if he/she needs to talk about something without fear of repercussions. You can set up a list of rules, separate from the contract, to govern day to day activities, behavior, etc. Again, if you keep this section flexible, you can avoid many contract rewrites. Just bear in mind that your first contract will, most likely, need adjustment, from time to time. Maybe you can include a provision for that.

I will post a simple sample contract in the pages section of this blog. Look for it to be posted in the near future. In the mean time, have fun and don't forget to make it fun for the both of you!

Mistress Ivey

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